blogging is a strange beast, in that many of the readers here i don't know. i've made friends though through this format, again many of which i've never met in person, but friends none the less. so, with that from time to time i'll get a little personal.
i'm in the initial stages of forming a means of documenting some of what my wife goes through on a regular basis. although, by many people's standards she is doing quite well day to day, she struggles. the weight of uncertainty alone is often too heavy, but i'm constantly surprised at how strong she is.
i've struggled, to a much lesser extent of course, myself with the question of how to document what she is going through, and more importantly her transplant. i get hung up with seeing something that is so close, and how to isolate things.
the plan all along has been for me to give one of my kidneys to Dea. a trip to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota in January confirmed that this is no longer an option. we have a bad antibody/antigen cross match. waiting on news about blood tests by friends and family has been torture, and with each bit of hope there has been an equal bit of let down- until recently. we're unbelievably fortunate to have my father step forward. he has proved to be a better match than any of us had hoped for. we'll know more next month, but for now he is our savior in waiting.
so, why am i dumping all of this here now for random folks to peer into my personal life? that's a good question, and one that i don't have a black and white answer for. the impetus for this blog was born from my wife's illness, and that initial honesty felt right. but, more so i think my need to write this now, today, is born too out of selfishness. much of my understanding of the world around me evolves from viewing it through the viewfinder. i struggle sometimes with getting close enough, i sometimes have to fight my tendency to step away. i'm not able to step away from this. i don't want to. in order to articulate with photos my wife's struggle i need to get closer. so, in a way this blog serves as a record- a way of holding myself to task.
all for now, but more images to follow.
Dea 3/21/07
12 comments:
Ben, I think you have to trust your instincts about what to post, just as you have to trust your instincts about what to photograph. In the little bit we’ve talked (well, e-mailed, but e-mail feels like talking sometimes), it’s clear that photography isn’t just one facet of your life, and neither is Dea. It makes sense to me that you’d want to write about her here. Of course, it would make sense to me if you didn’t, too. That’s not because I’m squishy—I just trust your instincts.
Keep the photographs coming. I’m eager to hear how things go with your dad at Mayo. Fingers crossed for all of you.
hey Liz. instincts- i like that word in regards to blogging in general. i think if most of us analyze too much, and apply filters, we get nothing but vanilla.
thanks for your comments.
Ben—
I'm on the road right now...but please, keep sharing as you need to. There's no good explanation for how connections are made, lives are lived, etc. Sometimes that scares the hell out of me, but sometimes it's comforting. You guys know all about lack of explanations, I hope you have moments of taking comfort in that, too.
Sorry if I'm particularly inarticulate this morning...
—Jessie
being selfish in such a way is a great thing to do mr huff. my feeling perhaps is that this is something you need to do more of. as usual i wish all the right things to happen upon you and dea. the world needs more realness and even though i haven't a clue really, who you are, i am interested, and i do care. and that is a nice thing
;0)
(was listening to 'silver rider' by low whilst typing that and it kinda fit)
jess, pod - thanks.
sometimes just need to get things out there.
I work with poems rather than photos, but finding a perspective seems the most important part of any art. How do we narrow it? How do we widen it? How much do we let our audience in? Your blog seems to be part of your process. Use it in the way that helps you--sharing when you need to, holding back when you need to.
My fingers are crossed for good news for you. I'll add my hope to the mass of hopes out there for you and your wife.
thanks Nicole. i'm sure the warmer temperatures later this week will help with my perspective;)
Blogging can be ridiculous. Many of them are frustrating. Yours is right on, in my opinion.
Pod sayed it best. "the world needs more realness and even though i haven't a clue really, who you are, i am interested, and i do care."
thanks for the words Tim - the sentiments are likewise.
I read your first post about why your doing this blog and and the health problems with your wife. What the fuck! I am so sorry to hear about what is going on. These Quiet image of her on your site take on a whole different story after reading the complications. I am usually the first one to talk about the failure of photography to illustrate real events-I will stop that argument today. Best to Dea.
thanks for that Joshua.
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